There’s an idiom, marriages are made in heaven. This idiom comes from the Talmud, which states, “Heaven decrees that this woman is to be the wife of this man.”
(ד) מַטְרוֹנָה שָׁאֲלָה אֶת רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בַּר חֲלַפְתָּא אָמְרָה לוֹ לְכַמָּה יָמִים בָּרָא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא אֶת עוֹלָמוֹ, אָמַר לָהּ לְשֵׁשֶׁת יָמִים... אָמְרָה לוֹ מַה הוּא עוֹשֶׂה מֵאוֹתָהּ שָׁעָה וְעַד עַכְשָׁו, אָמַר לָהּ, הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא יוֹשֵׁב וּמְזַוֵּג זִוּוּגִים, בִּתּוֹ שֶׁל פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי, אִשְׁתּוֹ שֶׁל פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי...
(4) A Roman Matron asked Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta, "In how many days did God create the world?" He said, "In six, as it is said, 'Since six days God made...' (Exodus 20:11) "And since then," she asked, "what has God been doing?" "God sits [on the Heavenly Throne] and makes matches: the daughter of this one to that one, the wife [i.e. widow] of this one to that one...
Not only does G-d bring couples together, but He can also bring a man and a woman together from opposite ends of the world. In fact, every match is like the creation of a new world (see Made in Heaven - A Jewish Wedding Guide, page 2).
A Rabbi once said something very profound:
“One doesn’t marry someone because they love them. Rather, one loves someone because they are married to them. Yet, a person loves a lot of people. Why should he limit himself to one person? Love everybody. Nevertheless, you only marry one person.”
Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan zt”l has a different perspective on love. He notes that the Hebrew word for love, אַהֲבָה, has the numerical value of thirteen. This is the same as the numerical value of the Hebrew word אחד meaning “one.” In its deepest sense, love takes two people and makes them into one (Made in Heaven - A Jewish Wedding Guide, page 8).
Love between parent and child exists because parent and child feel like one. They are part of the same family and feel a bond of unity. The bond between man and woman reflects this. However, until a person marries, his strongest love is naturally directed toward his parents. After marriage, it is directed toward his soulmate (Made in Heaven - A Jewish Wedding Guide, pages 11-12).
However, until a person marries, his strongest love is naturally directed toward his parents. After marriage, it is directed toward his soulmate.
ההוא דהוה קאמר ואזיל כי רחימתין הוה עזיזא אפותיא דספסירא שכיבן...
There was a certain man who was saying about his marriage as he walked: When our love was strong, we could have slept on a bed that was the width of a sword.
זש"ה כי עזה כמות אהבה (שה"ש ח ו), אהבה שאהב יעקב לרחל
FOR LOVE IS AS STRONG AS DEATH. Love is what Jacob had for Rachel...
Nor rivers drown it.
If a man offered all his wealth for love,
He would be laughed to scorn.
[See ArtScroll Sotah 21a, note 43]
כי אברהם אבינו, עליו השלום, היה מעונה בדרכים, ומנוסה בכמה נסיונות, ולא קץ בהם, וקיבל הכל בסבר פנים יפות, כי מנערותו ניסהו הבורא יתברך, בדרכים, ואחר כן בלקיחת שרה פעמים, ואחר כן בברית מילה, ואחר כן ניסהו לגרש ישמעאל, ואחר כן לשחוט את יצחק, ואילו היתה עבודתו מיראה ולא מאהבה, לא היתה מתקיימת בכל אלה הנסיונות, אך ברוב אהבתו באל יתברך, הכל היה ערב בעיניו, שנאמר (שיר השירים ח) ״מים רבים לא יוכלו לכבות את האהבה״.
For our father, Abraham, peace be upon him, was afflicted with wanderings and was tried by many trials, yet he endured them and accepted everything graciously. For from his very youth, the Creator, blessed be He, tried him by journeys, and afterwards by having Sarah taken from him twice, and after that by circumcision, and after that by directing him to send Ishmael away, and after that by instructing him to slaughter Isaac. If his service had been out of fear and not out of love, it could not have endured all those trials. But because of his love for God, blessed be He, everything was sweet in his eyes. As it is said (Song of Songs 8:7), “Many waters cannot quench love.”
Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan zt”l states:
“I recall a conversation that I had many years ago with a man who had recently celebrated his fiftieth wedding anniversary. He said, ‘Young couples think that they are in love. But they don’t know what true love really is. After fifty years of marriage - then you know what it means really to be in love!’” (Made in Heaven - A Jewish Wedding Guide, page 15).
Why fifty?
The Maharal says that marriage celebrates the total commitment of two parties to each other – he’s not referring to the democrat and republican parties. The obligations of a Jewish marriage arrangement are recorded in the כְּתוּבָּה, document. The set monetary settlement allocated to a maiden was 50 silver shekels – equivalent to 200 dinars in Mishnaic currency. This sum finds its perfect parallel in the giving of the Torah, where the contractual duties of our nation’s wedding day came into effect on the 50th day after leaving Egypt (Jewish Wisdom in the Numbers by Osher Levene with Rabbi Y. Hartman, page 306).
Where does this need to get married come from?
(ד) חָזַר וְהֶעֱבִירָן לְפָנָיו זוּגוֹת, אָמַר לַכֹּל יֵשׁ בֶּן זוּג וְלִי אֵין בֶּן זוּג... תִּגָּר, לְפִיכָךְ לֹא בְּרָאָהּ לוֹ עַד שֶׁתְּבָעָהּ בְּפִיו, כֵּיוָן שֶׁתְּבָעָהּ, מִיָּד (בראשית ב, כא): וַיַּפֵּל יקוק אֱלֹקִים תַּרְדֵּמָה וגו'.
(4) When Hashem brought the various species before him, אָדָם said, “All of them have a mate and I do not!” Immediately, Hashem brought slumber upon אָדָם and fashioned Chavah from him.
Why did אָדָם feel the need to have a helpmate?
(יח) וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ יקוק אֱלֹקִ֔ים לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂה־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃
[Click Rashi, Ramban, Seforno, Targum Yonasan and Shenei Luchot HaBerit to see fascinating explanations of this verse]
אָמַר רַבִּי תַּנְחוּם אָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִילַאי: כׇּל אָדָם שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אִשָּׁה — שָׁרוּי בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה, בְּלֹא בְּרָכָה, בְּלֹא טוֹבָה. בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה... בְּמַעְרְבָא אָמְרִי: בְּלֹא תּוֹרָה, בְּלֹא חוֹמָה...
§ Apropos the discussion with regard to the mitzva to have children, the Gemara cites statements about marriage in general. Rabbi Tanḥum said that Rabbi Ḥanilai said: Any man who does not have a wife is left without joy, without blessing, without goodness... in the West, Eretz Yisrael, they say: One who lives without a wife is left without Torah, and without a wall of protection.
כָּל שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אִשָּׁה, שָׁרוּי בְּלֹא טוֹבָה בְּלֹא עֵזֶר בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה בְּלֹא בְּרָכָה... בְּלֹא טוֹבָה... בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה... בְּלֹא שָׁלוֹם... בְּלֹא חַיִּים... אַף אֵינוֹ אָדָם שָׁלֵם... שְׁנֵיהֶם כְּאֶחָד קְרוּיִים אָדָם.
Not good[, the adam being alone]” [Gn 2:18]: Taught [R’ Yaakov]: Anyone (man) that has no woman lives without good . . . R’ Simon in the name of R’ Yehoshua ben Levi said: Even without peace . . . R’ Yehoshua of Sakhnin in the name of R’ Levi said: Even without life . . . R’ Chiya bar Gomdi said: He is not even a whole human / adam shalem, for it says: “And He blessed them and called their name Adam”. [Gn 5:2]
(א) כל אדם שאין לו אשה שרוי בלא טובה... בלא שמחה... בלא ברכה... בלא תורה... בלא חומה... בלא שלום... כל אדם שאין לו אשה אינו אדם...
Anyone (man) that has no woman lives without goodness, happiness, blessing, his Torah is incomplete, protection from sin, peace... any man who does not have a wife is not a man.
הלכות פריה ורביה
וכל מי ששרוי בלא אשה שרוי בלא טובה בלא ברכה בלא דירה בלא תורה בלא חומה בלא שלום...
And anyone who remains without a wife remains without goodness, without blessing, without a dwelling, without Torah, without a wall, without peace...
What does man do? Rebbe Shimon says he pursues her:
רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן אוֹמֵר מִפְּנֵי מָה אָמְרָה תּוֹרָה כִּי יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה... מִפְּנֵי שֶׁדַּרְכּוֹ שֶׁל אִישׁ לְחַזֵּר עַל אִשָּׁה...
Rabbi Shimon says... a man to pursue a woman, and it is not the way of a woman to pursue a man. The Gemara cites a parable of a man who lost an item. Who searches for what? Certainly the owner of the lost item searches for his lost item, not the other way around.
רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן אוֹמֵר מִפְּנֵי מָה אָמְרָה תּוֹרָה כִּי יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה וְלֹא כָּתַב כִּי תִּלָּקַח אִשָּׁה לְאִישׁ מִפְּנֵי שֶׁדַּרְכּוֹ שֶׁל אִישׁ לְחַזֵּר עַל אִשָּׁה...
Rabbi Shimon says: For what reason did the Torah say: “When a man takes a woman” (Deuteronomy 22:13) and did not write: “When a woman is taken by a man? Because it is the way [derekh] of a man to pursue a woman...
אָמַר רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר: כׇּל אָדָם שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אִשָּׁה — אֵינוֹ אָדָם...
Rabbi Elazar said: Any man who does not have a wife is not a man...
הלכות פריה ורביה
ואמר ר"א כל מי שאין לו אשה אינו אדם...
Rabbi Elazar said, "Anyone who does not have a wife is not a man."
ג' הקב"ה מוחל להן וכו'. הנושא אשה – קודם זה היה פלג גופא, וכשנשא – הוא גוף שלם... וזה כי איש הנושא אשה כל אחד נקרא מתחילה חצי אדם, כי זכר בלא נקיבה פלג גופא מיקרי, ועתה גוף שלם בריה חדשה...
Before a man marries a woman, each one is called “half a person” - for a male without a female is half a body and now he is a whole body, a new creation.”
A woman is not as aggressive about finding her soulmate as a man.
דְּאָמַר רֵישׁ לָקִישׁ טָב לְמֵיתַב טַן דּוּ מִלְּמֵיתַב אַרְמְלוּ...
Reish Lakish said: There is a popular saying among women: It is better to sit as two bodies, i.e., be married, than to sit alone like a widow. A woman prefers any type of husband to being left alone.
Why is that so?
אי אפשר לאיש בלא אשה ואי אפשר לאשה בלא איש אי אפשר לשניהן בלא שכינה.
It is impossible for a man without a woman, or for a woman without a man, and for both of them without the Shekhinah.
Why do a man and woman both need each other to thrive?
(כז) וַיִּבְרָ֨א אֱלֹקִ֤ים ׀ אֶת־הָֽאָדָם֙ בְּצַלְמ֔וֹ בְּצֶ֥לֶם אֱלֹקִ֖ים בָּרָ֣א אֹת֑וֹ זָכָ֥ר וּנְקֵבָ֖ה בָּרָ֥א אֹתָֽם׃
creating it in the image of God—
creating them male and female.
זכר ונקבה ברא אותם. וּלְהַלָּן הוּא אוֹמֵר וַיִּקַּח אַחַת מִצַּלְעֹתָיו וגו' (בראשית ב')? מִדְרַשׁ אַגָּדָה שֶׁבְּרָאוֹ שְׁנֵי פַרְצוּפִים בִּבְרִיאָה רִאשׁוֹנָה, וְאַחַר כָּךְ חֲלָקוֹ...
זכר ונקבה ברא אותם MALE AND FEMALE CREATED HE THEM — And further on (Genesis 2:21) it is said: “and He took one of his ribs etc.” (The two passages appear to be contradictory.) But according to a Midrashic explanation, He created him at first with two faces, and afterwards He divided him... (Genesis Rabbah 8:1 and see Eruvin 18a) .
“This one at last
Is bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh.
This one shall be called Woman,
For from a Human was she taken.”
Rav Yisrael Meir HaKohein Kagan says the following:
The word אִשָׁה, woman, sounds similar to אׅישׁ, man. From here we see that the world was created with לשון הקודש, the Holy Tongue – Biblical Hebrew (Chafetz Chaim on the Torah – volume 1, page 76)
לְזֹאת יִקָּרֵא אִשָּׁה כִּי מֵאִישׁ לֻקֳּחָה זֹּאת, מִכָּאן שֶׁנִּתְּנָה הַתּוֹרָה בְּלָשׁוֹן הַקֹּדֶשׁ.
"This one shall be called 'woman' because she was taken from man." From here we learn that Torah was given in Hebrew.
שָׁאֲלוּ אֶת רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ... וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ תּוֹבֵעַ בְּאִשָּׁה וְאֵין הָאִשָּׁה תּוֹבַעַת בְּאִישׁ, אָמַר לָהֶן מָשָׁל לְמָה הַדָּבָר דּוֹמֶה לְאֶחָד שֶׁאָבַד אֲבֵדָה הוּא מְבַקֵּשׁ אֲבֵדָתוֹ וַאֲבֵדָתוֹ אֵינָהּ מְבַקְשַׁתּוֹ...
R’ Yehoshua was asked... “Why is a man assertive in asking a woman to marry him and a woman is not assertive in asking a man to marry her? R’ Yehoshua responded using an analogy: To what is this matter comparable? To one who lost a possession. He seeks out his lost possession, but the lost possession does not seek him out.
G-d removed one of אָדָם’s ribs to create חַוָה; man, always seeks its return through marriage, as he becomes whole once again by joining with his “lost possession,” whose assistance he needs to fulfill all of his needs and aspirations. Therefore a man shall... cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh (Kleinman Ed Midrash Rabbah: Bereishis Vol 4 Parshiyos Vayeishev – Vayechi, Parshas Mikeitz, 17:8, note 81)
Why does he want to get married? The Bavli, a Tosefta, Medrash Rabbah and Medrash Tanchumah all give the same answer:
שֶׁאֵין דַּעְתָּם דּוֹמָה זֶה לָזֶה, וְאֵין פַּרְצוּפֵיהֶן דּוֹמִים זֶה לָזֶה...
Minds are unlike each other and whose faces are unlike each other...
ומפני מה אין פרצופיהן דומין זה לזה שלא יראה אדם דירה נאה ואשה נאה ויאמר שלי היא...
The baraita asks: And for what reason are their faces not similar to one another? The baraita answers: It is so that a man will not see a beautiful home or a beautiful woman and say: She is mine. If all people looked the same, no one could contradict him...
(ב) פַּרְצוּפוֹתֵיהֶן דּוֹמִין זֶה לָזֶה, כָּךְ אֵין דַּעְתָּן שָׁוִין זֶה לָזֶה...
(א) כְּשֵׁם שֶׁאֵין פַּרְצוּפֵיהֶם שָׁוִין זֶה לָזֶה, כָּךְ אֵין דַּעְתָּם שָׁוִין זֶה לָזֶה, אֶלָּא כָּל אֶחָד וְאֶחָד יֵשׁ לוֹ דַּעַת בִּפְנֵי עַצְמוֹ...
(1) [As] just as their faces are unlike each other, so are they unlike in temperament. Rather each and every individual has his own individual temperament...
Everyone has a different reason for getting married. Once he decides that he wants to get married, the Seforno says the following:
יעזב איש את אביו ואת אמו ודבק באשתו. ראוי שישתדל האדם לישא אשה הוגנת לו וראוי' לידבק בו גם שיצטרך לעזוב את אביו ואת אמו כי לא יהיה דבוק אמתי בבלתי דומים אבל יהיה בדומים בלבד כי אז יכונו לדעת אחד:
יעזוב איש את אביו ואת אמו ודבק באשתו, it is appropriate that a man leave the home of his parents in order to acquire a wife who is compatible with him, and who is a suitable mate for him to live with on a permanent basis. The Torah teaches here also that the expression דיבוק, “cleaving,” being in a state of true union, is not possible between two people who are not alike in their common purpose in life. Parents and children do not have the same tasks and challenges. Man and his wife do have to master the same challenges, hence the word “union” can be applied to their union, whereas the same word would be inappropriate for describing the relationship between father and son, or mother and son. By living together they will become of one mind on how to deal with their lives’ challenges.
Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler says:
“I always say to a couple at their wedding, ‘Make sure, my dear ones, that you always desire to give happiness and pleasure to one another, as you feel at this time. And know, that the moment that you start making demands from each other - behold, your happiness has already left you’” (Seek Peace and Pursue It by Dr. Dovid Lieberman, page 180, note 1)
Rabbi Gamliel Rabinovich says, “Marriage is an opportunity for growth, to grow together spiritually” (Let There Be Rain by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman and Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein, page 279).
Gerald Brenan would say, “In a happy marriage it is the wife who provides the climate, while the husband provides the landscape.”
