14 Sivan 5781 | May 25, 2021
Mishlei (Proverbs) 31
Rabba Rachel Kohl Finegold
Class of 2013
(ח) פְּתַח־פִּ֥יךָ לְאִלֵּ֑ם אֶל־דִּ֝֗ין כׇּל־בְּנֵ֥י חֲלֽוֹף׃ (ט) פְּתַח־פִּ֥יךָ שְׁפׇט־צֶ֑דֶק וְ֝דִ֗ין עָנִ֥י וְאֶבְיֽוֹן׃ {פ}
(י) אֵֽשֶׁת־חַ֭יִל מִ֣י יִמְצָ֑א וְרָחֹ֖ק מִפְּנִינִ֣ים מִכְרָֽהּ׃ (יא) בָּ֣טַח בָּ֭הּ לֵ֣ב בַּעְלָ֑הּ וְ֝שָׁלָ֗ל לֹ֣א יֶחְסָֽר׃ (יב) גְּמָלַ֣תְהוּ ט֣וֹב וְלֹא־רָ֑ע כֹּ֝֗ל יְמֵ֣י חַיֶּֽיהָ׃ (יג) דָּ֭רְשָׁה צֶ֣מֶר וּפִשְׁתִּ֑ים וַ֝תַּ֗עַשׂ בְּחֵ֣פֶץ כַּפֶּֽיהָ׃ (יד) הָ֭יְתָה כׇּאֳנִיּ֣וֹת סוֹחֵ֑ר מִ֝מֶּרְחָ֗ק תָּבִ֥יא לַחְמָֽהּ׃ (טו) וַתָּ֤קׇם ׀ בְּע֬וֹד לַ֗יְלָה וַתִּתֵּ֣ן טֶ֣רֶף לְבֵיתָ֑הּ וְ֝חֹ֗ק לְנַעֲרֹתֶֽיהָ׃ (טז) זָֽמְמָ֣ה שָׂ֭דֶה וַתִּקָּחֵ֑הוּ מִפְּרִ֥י כַ֝פֶּ֗יהָ (נטע) [נָ֣טְעָה] כָּֽרֶם׃ (יז) חָֽגְרָ֣ה בְע֣וֹז מׇתְנֶ֑יהָ וַ֝תְּאַמֵּ֗ץ זְרוֹעֹתֶֽיהָ׃ (יח) טָ֭עֲמָה כִּי־ט֣וֹב סַחְרָ֑הּ לֹא־יִכְבֶּ֖ה (בליל) [בַלַּ֣יְלָה] נֵרָֽהּ׃ (יט) יָ֭דֶיהָ שִׁלְּחָ֣ה בַכִּישׁ֑וֹר וְ֝כַפֶּ֗יהָ תָּ֣מְכוּ פָֽלֶךְ׃ (כ) כַּ֭פָּהּ פָּֽרְשָׂ֣ה לֶעָנִ֑י וְ֝יָדֶ֗יהָ שִׁלְּחָ֥ה לָאֶבְיֽוֹן׃ (כא) לֹא־תִירָ֣א לְבֵיתָ֣הּ מִשָּׁ֑לֶג כִּ֥י כׇל־בֵּ֝יתָ֗הּ לָבֻ֥שׁ שָׁנִֽים׃ (כב) מַרְבַדִּ֥ים עָֽשְׂתָה־לָּ֑הּ שֵׁ֖שׁ וְאַרְגָּמָ֣ן לְבוּשָֽׁהּ׃ (כג) נוֹדָ֣ע בַּשְּׁעָרִ֣ים בַּעְלָ֑הּ בְּ֝שִׁבְתּ֗וֹ עִם־זִקְנֵי־אָֽרֶץ׃ (כד) סָדִ֣ין עָ֭שְׂתָה וַתִּמְכֹּ֑ר וַ֝חֲג֗וֹר נָתְנָ֥ה לַֽכְּנַעֲנִֽי׃ (כה) עֹז־וְהָדָ֥ר לְבוּשָׁ֑הּ וַ֝תִּשְׂחַ֗ק לְי֣וֹם אַחֲרֽוֹן׃ (כו) פִּ֭יהָ פָּתְחָ֣ה בְחׇכְמָ֑ה וְת֥וֹרַת חֶ֝֗סֶד עַל־לְשׁוֹנָֽהּ׃ (כז) צ֭וֹפִיָּה (הילכת) [הֲלִיכ֣וֹת] בֵּיתָ֑הּ וְלֶ֥חֶם עַ֝צְל֗וּת לֹ֣א תֹאכֵֽל׃ (כח) קָ֣מוּ בָ֭נֶיהָ וַֽיְאַשְּׁר֑וּהָ בַּ֝עְלָ֗הּ וַֽיְהַלְלָֽהּ׃ (כט) רַבּ֣וֹת בָּ֭נוֹת עָ֣שׂוּ חָ֑יִל וְ֝אַ֗תְּ עָלִ֥ית עַל־כֻּלָּֽנָה׃ (ל) שֶׁ֣קֶר הַ֭חֵן וְהֶ֣בֶל הַיֹּ֑פִי אִשָּׁ֥ה יִרְאַת־יקוק הִ֣יא תִתְהַלָּֽל׃ (לא) תְּנוּ־לָ֭הּ מִפְּרִ֣י יָדֶ֑יהָ וִיהַלְל֖וּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִ֣ים מַֽעֲשֶֽׂיהָ׃
At our Friday night table, when we reach the point of singing Eshet Chayil, I explain to our three daughters and our guests that this song is traditionally sung as praise to the woman of the home for having worked in the kitchen all day, making the beautiful Shabbat meal we are about to enjoy. However, I explain, the woman of our home did no such thing. I didn’t cook the meal, and most weeks, I also didn’t go shopping. As a busy pulpit rabbi, I rely on my spouse to shop, cook, and prepare - and lucky for all of us, he is an incredible and creative cook.
Inevitably, I use the opportunity to offer gratitude to him, and insist that Eshet Chayil is a chance to offer thanks to anyone who works to make Shabbat special. If our kids have set the table, then I take this chance to thank them as well, and thank our guests for coming. In whatever way we prepare for Shabbat (for me, it’s a sermon or class, and doing a quick load of laundry), the important thing is to set the day apart.
I occasionally wonder aloud to my husband: why do we still sing Eshet Chayil? He replies: It’s not misogynist enough. Meaning, if it were truly egregious or offensive to our feminist sensibilities, we would omit it. But it’s a beautiful song, and moreover, we want our Shabbos table to look and sound like the ones we grew up at.
Only, we know it already looks different.
We want our daughters to learn the song, and to know that women can shop and cook, or choose not to. We want them to be women of valor, in whatever way they define it for themselves. I see the word chayil as its modern Hebrew expression chayal, “soldier.” (Jason Rosenblatt wrote a song about it, sung by Cantor Adam Stotland). The modern Eshet Chayil is a woman of strength, a soldier battling the expectations of her gender identity, a Warrior Woman. For our three girls, it will take strength of character to face the world of feminine expectations. As our eldest approaches adolescence, we can see it already. It might be easier for them than it was for me or for their grandmothers, but there are still battles our young Warrior Women will need to fight in the years ahead.
As we sing Eshet Chayil, I cannot help but feel that I’ve fallen short. I don’t know how to work a spindle or sell cloth. But I do oversee many activities of the household (the mental load - 31:27), I support my family, staying up late at night (31:18), and I hope that, most days, I open my mouth with wisdom (31:26). Our home life is not defined by gender, yet my husband looks into my eyes and sings, “Many women have done well, but you surpass them all.”
For now, we will keep singing.
