Social Media and Teshuva

Hermits and monasteries are noticeably absent from Jewish history; we are a hopelessly communal people.

-R. Lawrence Kushner

Repentance in the Age of Social Media by Rabbi Keara Stein (Huff Post, 09/28/2017)

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When we make teshuvah for a sin with a record- we need to acknowledge that record. We need to work to repair the damage done, accepting the fact that the memory of the transgression will live into eternity. We need to ask forgiveness of the person we have harmed- but in the age of the internet, we need to go one step further. We need to forgive ourselves and take steps to utilize the technology to make sure we do not make the same error again. We need to say- this is something I did in the past and I am sorry for it and I will try my hardest not to do it again. And we need to know that at any point in the future, someone or something may remind us of that transgression.

If we haven’t fully made teshuvah with the other person and with ourselves, the transgression will feel like it keeps happening again and again and again.

So how do we make complete teshuvah in the digital age? First we explore the nature of our transgression by taking account of our actions, whom we have hurt, what motivated our actions? Did the transgression take place through technology? Is there a record of our hurtful behavior? Then we have to approach the person we have harmed and apologize for what we have done. If the wrong we committed dealt with technology or social media- we need to acknowledge it- and try to turn it into a record of the past and benchmark for change rather than a constant reminder of the hurt.

Finally, it is important that we make those same amends to ourselves and not continue to punish ourselves for our actions of the past once we have made teshuvah.

In our Yom Kippur liturgy we have several opportunities to acknowledge our own sins as well as the sins of the community. We ask forgiveness for the sins we have committed under a large group of categories such as- knowingly or unknowingly, in public or in private, by gossip and slander. Many efforts have been made to amend this prayer, making it more relevant for our contemporary times. However, in looking at this prayer typically referred to as “al cheyt” - I can find ways in which we commit these sins using technology- these sins that have been recorded in our liturgy for a thousand years- still apply in our digital age- we just have to look a little bit harder to find that we’ve committed them.

And for the sin which we have committed before You by hard-heartedness. – refusing to return a phone call because I don’t want to hear what the other person has to say

For the sin which we have committed before You inadvertently.- for writing a facebook comment that insulted someone without intending it to do so

And for the sin which we have committed before You openly or secretly.- for using technology in ways that are unhealthy for me

And for the sin which we have committed before You through speech.- by speaking ill of others online or by using e-mail or text messaging as a way to insult someone

And for the sin which we have committed before You by verbal [insincere] confession.- by posting a blanket apology online without really intending to make true amends

For the sin which we have committed before You by disrespect for parents and teachers.- for badmouthing my parents or boss or teachers online

And for the sin which we have committed before You by foolish talk.- by spreading that article about a celebrity’s family problems or speaking insensitive words in a serious time

And for the sin which we have committed before You by desecrating the Divine Name.- for bragging about going to a concert or baseball game instead of Shabbat services

This is the new face of teshuvah. When we use technology to sin there can be a lasting record of our transgression on the internet or a hard drive. That seemingly innocent post you made about someone’s haircut, or wedding colors, or whatever will live on way past the time you asked forgiveness. What do we do then? How can we make teshuvah when the record remains?

Use the record technology leaves behind as a tool for your growth-

Go through your e-mails, your text messages, your facebook page or whatever other technology you use- and if you find anything that may have been hurtful to you or someone else- atone for it, delete it, and move on knowing that you will try not to make the same mistakes again.

For all these Sins-no matter what medium we used to commit them, o God- Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement. Help us to use technology as a tool for our growth and not for transgression, and help us heal from our wrongs so that we may better serve you and our world.

Calling IN: A Less Disposable Way of Holding Each Other Accountable

Posted on Black Girl Dangerous December 18, 2013 by editors

by Ngọc Loan Trần

Most of us know the drill. Someone says something that supports the oppression of another community, the red flags pop up and someone swoops in to call them out.

But what happens when that someone is a person we know — and love? What happens when we ourselves are that someone?

And what does it mean for our work to rely on how we have been programmed to punish people for their mistakes?

I’ll be the first person and the last person to say that anger is valid. Mistakes are mistakes; they deepen the wounds we carry. I know that for me when these mistakes are committed by people who I am in community with, it hurts even more. But these are people I care deeply about and want to see on the other side of the hurt, pain, and trauma: I am willing to offer compassion and patience as a way to build the road we are taking but have never seen before.

So, what exactly is “calling in”? I’ve spent over a year of trying to figure this out for myself, and this practice is still coming to me daily. The first part of calling each other in is allowing mistakes to happen. Mistakes in communities seeking justice and freedom may not hurt any less but they also have possibility for transforming the ways we build with each other for a new, better world. We have got to believe that we can transform.

When confronted with another person’s mistake, I often think about what makes my relationship with this person important. Is it that we’ve done work together before? Is it that I know their politics? Is it that I trust their politics? Are they a family member? Oh shit, my mom? Is it that I’ve heard them talk about patience or accountability or justice before? Where is our common ground? And is our common ground strong enough to carry us through how we have enacted violence on each other?

I start “call in” conversations by identifying the behavior and defining why I am choosing to engage with them. I prioritize my values and invite them to think about theirs and where we share them. And then we talk about it. We talk about it together, like people who genuinely care about each other. We offer patience and compassion to each other and also keep it real, ending the conversation when we need to and know that it wasn’t a loss to give it a try.

Because when I see problematic behavior from someone who is connected to me, who is committed to some of the things I am, I want to believe that it’s possible for us to move through and beyond whatever mistake was committed.

I picture “calling in” as a practice of pulling folks back in who have strayed from us. It means extending to ourselves the reality that we will and do fuck up, we stray and there will always be a chance for us to return. Calling in as a practice of loving each other enough to allow each other to make mistakes; a practice of loving ourselves enough to know that what we’re trying to do here is a radical unlearning of everything we have been configured to believe is normal.

Ngọc Loan Trần is a Việt/mixed-race disabled queer writer grounded in the U.S South. Their work is about bold, fearless visioning that cuts through the nonsense to make real the freedom, justice and love we seek. You can read more of their work and writing at nloantran.com.

The Dangers of Social Media That No One Likes To Admit by Yousra Zaki (September 9th, 2017)

In an offline world, social communities tend to follow and practise the norms of privacy. You don’t have to share your birthday, address or marital status with the people in your neighbourhood. They don’t need to know your likes and your dislikes and what your breakfast looked like. But when you’re online, if you want to join a social networking site, you have to disclose your personal information in order to be accepted. Once you become an active member of the site, they delve into who you are and what you like. They find out about your habits, your browsing history, where you like to go, what you like to eat and who you interact with the most. You get unsolicited messages from strangers and pokes from long lost acquaintances. In what real life world is poking someone okay? It’s not. But it’s just online. You don’t really feel it.