Romance is Dead: Talmudic Tensions

אמר רב שמואל בר אוניא משמיה דרב אשה גולם היא ואינה כורתת ברית אלא למי שעשאה כלי שנאמר (ישעיהו נד, ה) כי בועליך עושיך ה' צבאות שמו

Sanhedrin 22b:3

Rav Shmuel bar Unya says in the name of Rav: A woman is a shapeless lump [golem] - it is only (her husband) who makes her a proper vessel; as it is stated: “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name” (Isaiah 54:5).

עירובין נ״ד ב:ב׳-ג׳

אמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני מאי דכתיב אילת אהבים ויעלת חן וגו׳ למה נמשלו דברי תורה לאילת לומר לך מה אילה רחמה צר וחביבה על בועלה כל שעה ושעה כשעה ראשונה אף דברי תורה חביבין על לומדיהן כל שעה ושעה כשעה ראשונה ויעלת חן שמעלת חן על לומדיה דדיה ירוך בכל עת למה נמשלו דברי תורה כדד מה דד זה כל זמן שהתינוק ממשמש בו מוצא בו חלב אף דברי תורה כל זמן שאדם הוגה בהן מוצא בהן טעם

Eruvin 54b:2-3

Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani said: What is the meaning of that which is written: “A loving hind and a graceful roe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and be you ravished always with her love” (Proverbs 5:19)? Why were matters of Torah compared to a hind? To tell you that just as with a hind, its womb is narrow and it is cherished by its mate each and every hour like the first hour, so too, matters of Torah are cherished by those who study them each and every hour like the first hour. “And a graceful roe” is expounded as follows: That the Torah bestows grace upon those who study it. “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times”; why were matters of Torah compared to a breast? Just as with a breast, whenever a baby searches it for milk to suckle, he finds milk in it, so too, with matters of Torah. Whenever a person meditates upon them, he finds new meaning in them.

יבמות ס״ג א:ד׳

אשכחיה רבי יוסי לאליהו א"ל כתיב אעשה לו עזר במה אשה עוזרתו לאדם א"ל אדם מביא חיטין חיטין כוסס פשתן פשתן לובש לא נמצאת מאירה עיניו ומעמידתו על רגליו

Yevamot 63a:4

The Gemara relates that Rabbi Yosei encountered Elijah the prophet and said to him: It is written: I will make him a helpmate. In what manner does a woman help a man? Elijah said to him: When a man brings wheat from the field, does he chew raw wheat? When he brings home flax, does he wear unprocessed flax? His wife turns the raw products into bread and clothing. Is his wife not found to be the one who lights up his eyes and stands him on his feet?

יבמות ס״ג ב:י״ז-י״ח

רבי יעקב אומר כאילו ממעט הדמות שנאמר (בראשית ט, ו) כי בצלם אלקים עשה את האדם וכתיב בתריה ואתם פרו וגו' בן עזאי אומר כאילו שופך דמים וממעט הדמות שנאמר ואתם פרו ורבו אמרו לו לבן עזאי יש נאה דורש ונאה מקיים נאה מקיים ואין נאה דורש ואתה נאה דורש ואין נאה מקיים אמר להן בן עזאי ומה אעשה שנפשי חשקה בתורה אפשר לעולם שיתקיים על ידי אחרים

Yevamot 63b:17-18

Rabbi Ya’akov says: It is as though he diminishes the Divine Image, as it is stated: “For in the image of God He made man” (Genesis 9:6), and it is written immediately afterward: “And you, be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 9:7). Ben Azzai says: It is as though he sheds blood and also diminishes the Divine Image, as it is stated: “And you, be fruitful and multiply,” after the verse that alludes to both shedding blood and the Divine Image. They said to ben Azzai: There is a type of scholar who expounds well and fulfills his own teachings well, and another who fulfills well and does not expound well. But you, who have never married, expound well on the importance of procreation, and yet you do not fulfill well your own teachings. Ben Azzai said to them: What shall I do, as my soul yearns for Torah, and I do not wish to deal with anything else. It is possible for the world to be maintained by others, who are engaged in the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply.

כתובות ס״ב ב:ג׳-ד׳

הספנים אחת לששה חדשים דברי ר' אליעזר: אמר רב ברונא אמר רב הלכה כר"א אמר רב אדא בר אהבה אמר רב זו דברי ר' אליעזר אבל חכמים אומרים התלמידים יוצאין לת"ת ב' וג' שנים שלא ברשות אמר רבא סמכו רבנן אדרב אדא בר אהבה ועבדי עובדא בנפשייהו כי הא דרב רחומי הוה שכיח קמיה דרבא במחוזא הוה רגיל דהוה אתי לביתיה כל מעלי יומא דכיפורי יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא הוה מסכיא דביתהו השתא אתי השתא אתי לא אתא חלש דעתה אחית דמעתא מעינה הוה יתיב באיגרא אפחית איגרא מתותיה ונח נפשיה

Ketubot 62b:3-4

§ The mishna stated: For sailors, the set interval for conjugal relations is once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Berona said that Rav said: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Adda bar Ahava said that Rav said: This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer, but the Rabbis say: Students may leave their homes to study Torah for as long as two or three years without permission from their wives. Rava said: The Sages relied on Rabbi Adda bar Ahava’s opinion and performed an action like this themselves, but the results were sometimes fatal. This is as it is related about Rav Reḥumi, who would commonly study before Rava in Meḥoza: He was accustomed to come back to his home every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. One day he was particularly engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and so he remained in the study hall and did not go home. His wife was expecting him that day and continually said to herself: Now he is coming, now he is coming. But in the end, he did not come. She was distressed by this and a tear fell from her eye. At that exact moment, Rav Reḥumi was sitting on the roof. The roof collapsed under him and he died. This teaches how much one must be careful, as he was punished severely for causing anguish to his wife, even inadvertently.

כתובות ס״ג א:ג׳

רב יוסף בריה דרבא שדריה אבוהי לבי רב לקמיה דרב יוסף פסקו ליה שית שני כי הוה תלת שני מטא מעלי יומא דכפורי אמר איזיל ואיחזינהו לאינשי ביתי שמע אבוהי שקל מנא ונפק לאפיה אמר ליה זונתך נזכרת איכא דאמרי אמר ליה יונתך נזכרת איטרוד לא מר איפסיק ולא מר איפסיק:

Ketubot 63a:3

On the same subject it is related: Rav Yosef, son of Rava, was sent by his father to the study hall to learn before the great Sage Rav Yosef. They agreed that he should sit for six years in the study hall. When three years had passed, the eve of Yom Kippur arrived and he said: I will go and see the members of my household, meaning his wife. His father heard and took a weapon, as if he were going to war, and went to meet him. According to one version he said to him: Did you remember your whore, as you are abandoning your studies to see a woman? There are those who say that he said to him: Did you remember your dove? Since both father and son were involved in an argument, they were preoccupied and this Master did not eat the cessation meal before Yom Kippur and that Master also did not eat the cessation meal that day.

בראשית רבה י״ז:ח׳

(ח) שָׁאֲלוּ אֶת רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ מִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ יוֹצֵא פָּנָיו לְמַטָּה, וְאִשָּׁה יוֹצֵאת פָּנֶיהָ לְמַעְלָה, אָמַר לָהֶם הָאִישׁ מַבִּיט לִמְקוֹם בְּרִיָּתוֹ, וְאִשָּׁה מַבֶּטֶת לִמְקוֹם בְּרִיָּתָהּ. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִשָּׁה צְרִיכָה לְהִתְבַּשֵֹּׂם וְאֵין הָאִישׁ צָרִיךְ לְהִתְבַּשֵֹּׂם, אָמַר לָהֶם אָדָם נִבְרָא מֵאֲדָמָה וְהָאֲדָמָה אֵינָהּ מַסְרַחַת לְעוֹלָם, וְחַוָּה נִבְרֵאת מֵעֶצֶם, מָשָׁל אִם תַּנִּיחַ בָּשָׂר שְׁלשָׁה יָמִים בְּלֹא מֶלַח מִיָּד הוּא מַסְרִיחַ. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִשָּׁה קוֹלָהּ הוֹלֵךְ וְלֹא הָאִישׁ, אָמַר לָהֶם מָשָׁל אִם תְּמַלֵּא קְדֵרָה בָּשָׂר אֵין קוֹלָהּ הוֹלֵךְ, כֵּיוָן שֶׁתִּתֵּן לְתוֹכָהּ עֶצֶם מִיָּד קוֹלָהּ הוֹלֵךְ. מִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ נוֹחַ לְהִתְפַּתּוֹת וְאֵין הָאִשָּׁה נוֹחָה לְהִתְפַּתּוֹת, אָמַר לָהֶן אָדָם נִבְרָא מֵאֲדָמָה וְכֵיוָן שֶׁאַתָּה נוֹתֵן עָלֶיהָ טִפָּה שֶׁל מַיִם מִיָּד הִיא נִשְׁרֵית, וְחַוָּה נִבְרֵאת מֵעֶצֶם וַאֲפִלּוּ אַתָּה שׁוֹרֶה אוֹתוֹ כַּמָּה יָמִים בַּמַּיִם אֵינוֹ נִשְׁרֶה. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ תּוֹבֵעַ בְּאִשָּׁה וְאֵין הָאִשָּׁה תּוֹבַעַת בְּאִישׁ, אָמַר לָהֶן מָשָׁל לְמָה הַדָּבָר דּוֹמֶה לְאֶחָד שֶׁאָבַד אֲבֵדָה הוּא מְבַקֵּשׁ אֲבֵדָתוֹ וַאֲבֵדָתוֹ אֵינָהּ מְבַקְשַׁתּוֹ. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ מַפְקִיד זֶרַע בָּאִשָּׁה וְאֵין הָאִשָּׁה מַפְקֶדֶת זֶרַע בָּאִישׁ, אָמַר לָהֶם דּוֹמֶה לְאֶחָד שֶׁהָיָה בְּיָדוֹ פִּקָּדוֹן וּמְבַקֵּשׁ אָדָם נֶאֱמָן שֶׁיַּפְקִידֶנוּ אֶצְלוֹ. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הָאִישׁ יוֹצֵא רֹאשׁוֹ מְגֻלֶּה וְהָאִשָּׁה רֹאשָׁהּ מְכֻסֶּה, אָמַר לָהֶן לְאֶחָד שֶׁעָבַר עֲבֵרָה וְהוּא מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִבְּנֵי אָדָם, לְפִיכָךְ יוֹצֵאת וְרֹאשָׁהּ מְכֻסֶּה. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה הֵן מְהַלְּכוֹת אֵצֶל הַמֵּת תְּחִלָּה, אָמַר לָהֶם עַל יְדֵי שֶׁגָּרְמוּ מִיתָה לָעוֹלָם, לְפִיכָךְ הֵן מְהַלְּכוֹת אֵצֶל הַמֵּת תְּחִלָּה, הֲדָא הוּא דִכְתִיב (איוב כא, לג): וְאַחֲרָיו כָּל אָדָם יִמְשׁוֹךְ. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת נִדָּה, עַל יְדֵי שֶׁשָּׁפְכָה דָּמוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם הָרִאשׁוֹן, לְפִיכָךְ נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת נִדָּה. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת חַלָּה, עַל יְדֵי שֶׁקִּלְקְלָה אֶת אָדָם הָרִאשׁוֹן שֶׁהָיָה גְּמַר חַלָּתוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, לְפִיכָךְ נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת חַלָּה. וּמִפְּנֵי מָה נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת נֵר שַׁבָּת, אָמַר לָהֶן עַל יְדֵי שֶׁכִּבְּתָה נִשְׁמָתוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם הָרִאשׁוֹן, לְפִיכָךְ נִתַּן לָהּ מִצְוַת נֵר שַׁבָּת.

Bereshit Rabbah 17:8

They asked Rabbi Yehoshua a question: Why is it that men come out [at birth] with their faces looking down, and women go out with their faces looking up? He said to them: men go out looking at the place where he was created [the earth], and women look at the place of their birth [the rib]. They again asked of him, why is it that a woman needs to use perfume, and a man does not? He said to them, man was created from the earth, and the earth never rots, but Eve was created from a bone - for example, if you place meat for three days without salting it, it will start to rot. They asked of him again, why is it that a woman's voice travels, but a man's voice does not? He said to them a mashal - to what is this simular to? To a pot full of meat, it is silent until you add a bone to it [and it sizzles]. And why is is that a man is readily satisfied, but a woman is hard to satisfy? He said to them, man was created from the earth, and thus when you give it [the earth[ a drop of water, it quickly is absorbed - but woman, who was created from bone, even if you soak it [the bone in water] for many days, it will not absorb [the water]. And why is it that men make [sexual] demands upon women, but not women on men? He said to them, here's a mashal - to what is this simular to? To one who has lost an object - the man seeks his lost item, but the lost item does not seek him back. And why is it that a man deposits 'seed' in a woman, but a woman does not deposit 'seed' within a man? he said to them, this is like one who has in his hand a deposit [something that needs guarding] and he asks a person whom he believes in to watch over it. And why is it that a man goes outside with his head revealed, and a woman goes out with her head covered? He said to them, like one who has transgressed a sin, and that person is embarrassed in front of their peers, thus women go out with their heads covered. And why is it that women go out to accompany the dead [in funeral processions] before men? He said to them, since they brought death into the world, thus they go accompany the dead first. And about this it is written (Job 21:33) "He is brought to the grave...and all the men follow behind him, uncountable are those women who precede him." And why is it that she was given the mitzvah of niddah? Since it was by her hand that blood of the first man was poured out [by bringing about his death]. And why was she given the mitzvah of challah? Since it was by her hand that the first man was cursed, and needed to work the land to draw out bread. And for what reason was she given the mitzvah of shabbat candles? He said to them, since it was by her hand that the soul of the first man was extinguished. Therefore, she was given the mitzvot of niddah, challah, and ner-shabbat. [End of chapter]

בראשית רבה י״ז:ב׳

(ב) לֹא טוֹב, תָּנֵי רַבִּי יַעֲקֹב כָּל שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אִשָּׁה, שָׁרוּי בְּלֹא טוֹבָה בְּלֹא עֵזֶר בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה בְּלֹא בְּרָכָה בְּלֹא כַּפָּרָה. בְּלֹא טוֹבָה, לֹא טוֹב הֱיוֹת הָאָדָם לְבַדּוֹ. בְּלֹא עֵזֶר, אֶעֱשֶׂה לוֹ עֵזֶר כְּנֶגְדּוֹ. בְּלֹא שִׂמְחָה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים יד, כו): וְשָׂמַחְתָּ אַתָּה וּבֵיתֶךָ. בְּלֹא כַפָּרָה, (ויקרא טז, יא): וְכִפֶּר בַּעֲדוֹ וּבְעַד בֵּיתוֹ. בְּלֹא בְרָכָה (יחזקאל מד, ל): לְהָנִיחַ בְּרָכָה אֶל בֵּיתֶךָ. רַבִּי סִימוֹן בְּשֵׁם רַבִּי. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן לֵוִי אָמַר אַף בְּלֹא שָׁלוֹם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (שמואל א כה, ו): וְאַתָּה שָׁלוֹם וּבֵיתְךָ שָׁלוֹם. רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ דְּסִכְנִין בְּשֵׁם רַבִּי לֵוִי אָמַר אַף בְּלֹא חַיִּים, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (קהלת ט, ט): רְאֵה חַיִּים עִם אִשָּׁה אֲשֶׁר אָהַבְתָּ. רַבִּי חִיָּא בַּר גַּמְדָא אָמַר אַף אֵינוֹ אָדָם שָׁלֵם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (בראשית ה, ב): וַיְבָרֶךְ אֹתָם וַיִּקְרָא אֶת שְׁמָם אָדָם, שְׁנֵיהֶם כְּאֶחָד קְרוּיִים אָדָם. וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים אַף מְמַעֵט אֶת הַדְּמוּת, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (בראשית ט, ו): כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹקִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם, מַה כְּתִיב אַחֲרָיו (בראשית ט, ז): וְאַתֶּם פְּרוּ וּרְבוּ.

Bereshit Rabbah 17:2

(2) Not good [for the adam to be alone]” (Gen 2:18) - Taught Rabbi Yaakov: Anyone that has no woman lives without good, without help, without happiness, without blessing, without atonement. Without good: "Not good for the man to be alone." Without help: "I'll make a him helpmate"(Gen 2:18). Without happiness: "And you and your house will be happy"(Deut. 14:26). Without atonement: "And he will atone for himself and for his house" (Lev. 16:11). Without blessing: "To attach blessing to your house" (Ez. 44:30).

Rabbi Simon in the name of R’ Yehoshua ben Levi said: Even without peace, as it is written "And for you peace, and for your house, peace" (I Sam. 25:6).

Rabbi Yehoshua of Sichnin in the name of Rabbi Levi said: Even without life, as it is written "See life with the woman you love" (Eccl. 9:9) Rabbi Chiya bar Gamdi said: He is not even a whole human [adam shalem], for it says: “And He blessed them and called their name Adam”. (Gen 5:2) - the two together are called Adam. And there are those who say: he even diminishes the Image [of God], as it is written "Because in the Image of God, God made the adam" (Gen. 9:6), and what is written afterwards? "And you, be fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 9:7)

יבמות ס״ב ב:י״ג-ט״ז

אמר רבי תנחום א"ר חנילאי כל אדם שאין לו אשה שרוי בלא שמחה בלא ברכה בלא טובה בלא שמחה דכתיב (דברים יד, כו) ושמחת אתה וביתך בלא ברכה דכתיב (יחזקאל מד, ל) להניח ברכה אל ביתך בלא טובה דכתיב (בראשית ב, יח) לא טוב היות האדם לבדו במערבא אמרי בלא תורה בלא חומה בלא תורה דכתיב (איוב ו, יג) האם אין עזרתי בי ותושיה נדחה ממני בלא חומה דכתיב (ירמיהו לא, כב) נקבה תסובב גבר רבא בר עולא אמר בלא שלום דכתיב (איוב ה, כד) וידעת כי שלום אהלך ופקדת נוך ולא תחטא אמר ריב"ל כל היודע באשתו שהיא יראת שמים ואינו פוקדה נקרא חוטא שנאמר וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו' ואמר ריב"ל חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו בשעה שהוא יוצא לדרך שנא' וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו'

Yevamot 62b:13-16

§ Apropos the discussion with regard to the mitzva to have children, the Gemara cites statements about marriage in general. Rabbi Tanḥum said that Rabbi Ḥanilai said: Any man who does not have a wife is left without joy, without blessing, without goodness. He proceeds to quote verses to support each part of his statement. He is without joy, as it is written: “And you shall rejoice, you and your household” (Deuteronomy 14:26), which indicates that the a man is in a joyful state only when he is with his household, i.e., his wife. He is without blessing, as it is written: “To cause a blessing to rest in your house” (Ezekiel 44:30), which indicates that blessing comes through one’s house, i.e., one’s wife. He is without goodness, as it is written: “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18), i.e., without a wife.

In the West, Eretz Yisrael, they say: One who lives without a wife is left without Torah, and without a wall of protection. He is without Torah, as it is written: “Is it that I have no help in me, and that sound wisdom is driven from me?” (Job 6:13), indicating that one who does not have a wife lacks sound wisdom, i.e., Torah. He is without a wall, as it is written: “A woman shall go round a man” (Jeremiah 31:21), similar to a protective wall.

Rava bar Ulla said: One who does not have a wife is left without peace, as it is written: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation and shall miss nothing” (Job 5:24). This indicates that a man has peace only when he has a tent, i.e., a wife. On the same verse, Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Whoever knows that his wife fears Heaven and she desires him, and he does not visit her, i.e., have intercourse with her, is called a sinner, as it is stated: And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: A man is obligated to visit his wife for the purpose of having intercourse when he is about to depart on a journey, as it is stated: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace, etc.”