Rabbis, Wives and the Other Woman: An Unforgiving Tale for Yom Kippur

Companionship or Death: Stories of Relationships in the Talmud

Rav Rehumei and his Wife

כי הא דרב רחומי

הוה שכיח קמיה דרבא במחוזא

הוה רגיל דהוה אתי לביתיה

כל מעלי יומא דכיפורי.

יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא.

הוה מסכיא דביתהו:

״השתא אתי, השתא אתי״.

לא אתא.

חלש דעתה אחית דמעתא מעינה

הוה יתיב באיגרא

אפחית איגרא מתותיה

ונח נפשיה.

It was told about Rav Reḥumi, who would commonly study before Rava in Meḥoza:

He was accustomed to come back to his home every year on the eve of Yom Kippur.

One day he was particularly engrossed in the learning, and so he remained in the study hall and did not go home.

His wife was expecting him and continually said to herself:

Now he is coming, now he is coming.

He did not come.

She was distressed.

A tear fell from her eye.

At that exact moment, Rav Reḥumi was sitting on the roof.

The roof collapsed under him

and he died.

  1. Read the story and divide it into scenes.

  2. Ask as many questions as possible about the story. For example: Why would Rav Rehumei come back every year?

  3. Identify the important characters in this drama. How do you imagine each one of them?

  4. Why would Rav Rehumei return specifically on the Eve of Yom Kippur?

  5. "The Torah pulled him" – What is the image of Torah learning that arises from this metaphor? See also Bavli Eruvin 54b

  6. "A tear flowed from her eye" – see Bavli Baba Metzia 59a. What does this add to your understanding of the role of Rav Rehumei's wife in the story?

  7. "He was sitting on a roof" – what does this location/metaphor add? See also Dvarim 22:8.

  8. What is this story trying to tell us? Why was this story told?

אמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני מאי דכתיב אילת אהבים ויעלת חן וגו׳ למה נמשלו דברי תורה לאילת לומר לך מה אילה רחמה צר וחביבה על בועלה כל שעה ושעה כשעה ראשונה אף דברי תורה חביבין על לומדיהן כל שעה ושעה כשעה ראשונה
Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani said: What is the meaning of that which is written: “A loving hind and a graceful roe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and be you ravished always with her love” (Proverbs 5:19)? Why were matters of Torah compared to a hind? To tell you that just as with a hind, its womb is narrow and it is cherished by its mate each and every hour like the first hour, so too, matters of Torah are cherished by those who study them each and every hour like the first hour.
אמר רב חננא בריה דרב אידי מאי דכתיב (ויקרא כה, יז) ולא תונו איש את עמיתו עם שאתך בתורה ובמצות אל תונהו אמר רב לעולם יהא אדם זהיר באונאת אשתו שמתוך שדמעתה מצויה אונאתה קרובה א"ר אלעזר מיום שנחרב בית המקדש ננעלו שערי תפלה שנאמר (איכה ג, ח) גם כי אזעק ואשוע שתם תפלתי ואע"פ ששערי תפלה ננעלו שערי דמעות לא ננעלו שנאמר (תהלים לט, יג) שמעה תפלתי ה' ושועתי האזינה אל דמעתי אל תחרש
§ Rav Ḥinnana, son of Rav Idi, says: What is the meaning of that which is written: “And you shall not mistreat each man his colleague [amito]” (Leviticus 25:17)? The word amito is interpreted as a contraction of im ito, meaning: One who is with him. With one who is with you in observance of Torah and mitzvot, you shall not mistreat him. Rav says: A person must always be careful about mistreatment of his wife. Since her tear is easily elicited, punishment for her mistreatment is immediate. Rabbi Elazar says: Since the day the Temple was destroyed the gates of prayer were locked, and prayer is not accepted as it once was, as it is stated in lament of the Temple’s destruction: “Though I plead and call out, He shuts out my prayer” (Lamentations 3:8). Yet, despite the fact that the gates of prayer were locked with the destruction of the Temple, the gates of tears were not locked, and one who cries before God may rest assured that his prayers will be answered, as it is stated: “Hear my prayer, Lord, and give ear to my pleading, keep not silence at my tears” (Psalms 39:13).
אונאתה קרובה - לבא פורענות אונאתה ממהר לבא:

Her deceit is at hand - the presence of her tear quickly brings calamitous retribution for the deceit.

The Context: The Background Mishna and Two Additional Stories

Background
מתני׳ המדיר את אשתו מתשמיש המטה ב"ש אומרים שתי שבתות בית הלל אומרים שבת אחת התלמידים יוצאין לתלמוד תורה שלא ברשות שלשים יום הפועלים שבת אחת העונה האמורה בתורה הטיילין בכל יום הפועלים שתים בשבת החמרים אחת בשבת הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום הספנים אחת לששה חדשים דברי רבי אליעזר:

MISHNA: With regard to one who vows that his wife may not derive benefit from marital relations with him, Beit Shammai say: He may maintain this situation for up to two weeks, but beyond that he must divorce her and give her the payment for her marriage contract. Beit Hillel say: He must divorce her if it continues beyond one week. Apropos the husband’s obligation to his wife regarding marital relations, the Gemara mentions other aspects of this issue: Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah (see Exodus 21:10), unless the couple stipulated otherwise, varies according to the man’s occupation and proximity to his home: Men of leisure, who do not work, must engage in marital relations every day, laborers must do so twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.

הספנים אחת לששה חדשים דברי ר' אליעזר: אמר רב ברונא אמר רב הלכה כר"א אמר רב אדא בר אהבה אמר רב זו דברי ר' אליעזר אבל חכמים אומרים התלמידים יוצאין לת"ת ב' וג' שנים שלא ברשות אמר רבא סמכו רבנן אדרב אדא בר אהבה ועבדי עובדא בנפשייהו כי הא דרב רחומי הוה שכיח קמיה דרבא במחוזא הוה רגיל דהוה אתי לביתיה כל מעלי יומא דכיפורי יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא הוה מסכיא דביתהו השתא אתי השתא אתי לא אתא חלש דעתה אחית דמעתא מעינה הוה יתיב באיגרא אפחית איגרא מתותיה ונח נפשיה

§ The mishna stated: For sailors, the set interval for conjugal relations is once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Berona said that Rav said: The halakha is in accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Eliezer. Rav Adda bar Ahava said that Rav said: This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer, but the Rabbis say: Students may leave their homes to study Torah for as long as two or three years without permission from their wives. Rava said: The Sages relied on Rabbi Adda bar Ahava’s opinion and performed an action like this themselves, but the results were sometimes fatal. This is as it is related about Rav Reḥumi, who would commonly study before Rava in Meḥoza: He was accustomed to come back to his home every year on the eve of Yom Kippur. One day he was particularly engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and so he remained in the study hall and did not go home. His wife was expecting him that day and continually said to herself: Now he is coming, now he is coming. But in the end, he did not come. She was distressed by this and a tear fell from her eye. At that exact moment, Rav Reḥumi was sitting on the roof. The roof collapsed under him and he died. This teaches how much one must be careful, as he was punished severely for causing anguish to his wife, even inadvertently.

כפו מטתו - כדת המתאבלים דחייבין בכפיית המטה:

Overturn his bed– As is done during mourning, when the mourners must overturn their beds.

Yehuda bar R. Hiyya and his father in law, Rabbi Yanai
יהודה בריה דר' חייא חתניה דר' ינאי הוה אזיל ויתיב בבי רב וכל בי שמשי הוה אתי לביתיה וכי הוה אתי הוה קא חזי קמיה עמודא דנורא יומא חד משכתיה שמעתא כיון דלא חזי ההוא סימנא אמר להו רבי ינאי כפו מטתו שאילמלי יהודה קיים לא ביטל עונתו הואי (קהלת י, ה) כשגגה שיוצא מלפני השליט ונח נפשיה

It is related further that Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya and son-in-law of Rabbi Yannai, would go and sit in the study hall, and every Shabbat eve at twilight he would come to his house. When he would come, Rabbi Yannai would see a pillar of fire preceding him due to his sanctity. One day he was engrossed in the halakha he was studying, and he stayed in the study hall and did not return home. When Rabbi Yannai did not see that sign preceding him, he said to the family: Turn his bed over, as one does at times of mourning, since he must have died, reasoning that if Yehuda were alive he would not have missed his set interval for conjugal relations and would certainly have come home. What he said became “like an error that proceeds from a ruler” (Ecclesiastes 10:5), and Yehuda, son of Rabbi Ḥiyya, died.

  1. Read the story and divide it into scenes.

  2. Ask as many questions as possible about the story. For example: Why would Rabbi Yanai's statement be enough to end young Yehuda's life?

  3. Returning on Sabbath eve – see the preceding mishna, and the discussion of the mitzvah of Onah there.

  4. Pillar of Fire – where do we know this pillar from? See Shemot 13:21-24, Bamidbar 14:14. What is the significance of this sign? See also Shemot 34:27-35.

  5. Can you discern from R. Yanai's actions his ideology regarding the tension between home and the yeshiva? Compare his opinion about the Mitzva of Shmita, Bavli Sanhedrin 26a.

  6. What is this story about in your opinion? Offer various readings.

R. Yosef Bar Rava and his father, Rava
רב יוסף בריה דרבא שדריה אבוהי לבי רב לקמיה דרב יוסף פסקו ליה שית שני כי הוה תלת שני מטא מעלי יומא דכפורי אמר איזיל ואיחזינהו לאינשי ביתי שמע אבוהי שקל מנא ונפק לאפיה אמר ליה זונתך נזכרת איכא דאמרי אמר ליה יונתך נזכרת איטרוד לא מר איפסיק ולא מר איפסיק:

On the same subject it is related: Rav Yosef, son of Rava, was sent by his father to the study hall to learn before the great Sage Rav Yosef. They agreed that he should sit for six years in the study hall. When three years had passed, the eve of Yom Kippur arrived and he said: I will go and see the members of my household, meaning his wife. His father heard and took a weapon, as if he were going to war, and went to meet him. According to one version he said to him: Did you remember your mistress, as you are abandoning your studies to see a woman? There are those who say that he said to him: Did you remember your dove? Since both father and son were involved in an argument, they were preoccupied and this Master did not eat the cessation meal before Yom Kippur and that Master also did not eat the cessation meal that day.

לא מר איפסיק ולא מר איפסיק - לא אכלו סעודת יום הכפורים שמפסיקין בה אכילה להתענות סעודה אחרונה של ערב ט' באב ויוה"כ קרי סעודה המפסקת שמפסיקים בה במס' תענית (דף ל.):

Neither one broke – they did not eat the meal of Yom Kippur after which you stop eating and the fast begins. The last meal on the eve of Tisha b'Av and Yom Kippur is called seudah mafseket – the breaking meal.

  1. Why does young Rav Yosef want to go home?

  2. Why is his father so adamant to prevent his son from coming home? What was he afraid of? How would you define his ideology on the tension between home and the yeshiva?

  3. Each version of Rava's statement to his son adds a different flavor to the story. What differences do you hear between the two statements? See for example Song of Songs 2:14.

  4. "Neither one nor the other broke" – some interpretations mean this to understand that neither of them managed to eat before the fact (seuda mafseket), others cherish the ambivalence. What do you understand from this image?

Compare all three stories:

    1. What relationships are in the focus of each story?

    2. Can you suggest a progression from the first to the last story?

    3. What is the significance of time and space in each one of them? Where and when do they take place?