וְאַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן, הָיָה נִדְמֶה לוֹ תָּמִיד שֶׁאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל וְאֵין שׁוֹמְעִין לוֹ כְּלָל, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא, נִדְמֶה לוֹ שֶׁמַּרְחִיקִין אוֹתוֹ מֵעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכָל מִינֵי הַרְחָקוֹת וּכְאִלּוּ אֵין רוֹצִין בּוֹ כְּלָל וּכְלָל. כִּי הָיָה רוֹאֶה שֶׁחוֹלְפִין וְעוֹבְרִין כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה יָמִים וְשָׁנִים וַעֲדַיִן הוּא רָחוֹק מֵה' יִתְבָּרַךְ וְלֹא זָכָה עֲדַיִן לְשׁוּם הִתְקָרְבוּת, עַל כֵּן נִדְמָה בְּעֵינָיו שֶׁאֵין שׁוֹמְעִין דְּבָרָיו כְּלָל וְאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל, רַק אַדְּרַבָּא – מַרְחִיקִין אוֹתוֹ בְּכָל מִינֵי הִתְרַחֲקוּת מֵעֲבוֹדָתוֹ יִתְבָּרַךְ. Still, it always seemed to the Rebbe that all his prayers were being disregarded. He was sure that he was not wanted at all, and was being pushed further and further away from any true devotion. For he saw the days and years passing, and still he felt far from God. After all his prayers, he felt he had not been worthy of drawing close to God at all. It was as if his words were never heard and he had been totally ignored all this time. It seemed as though everything was being done to push him away from God.
אַךְ אַף־עַל־פִּי־כֵן הָיָה מְחַזֵּק עַצְמוֹ מְאֹד וְלֹא הִנִּיחַ אֶת מְקוֹמוֹ. וְכַמָּה פְּעָמִים הָיָה, שֶׁהָיָה נוֹפֵל בְּדַעְתּוֹ מֵחֲמַת זֶה שֶׁרָאָה שֶׁהוּא מִתְפַּלֵּל וּמַעְתִּיר וּמַפְצִיר כָּל כָּךְ שֶׁיִּתְקָרֵב לַעֲבוֹדַת־הַשֵּׁם־יִתְבָּרַךְ וְאֵין מִסְתַּכְּלִין עָלָיו כְּלָל. But the Rebbe’s resolve remained firm and he did not abandon his ground. It was not easy, for there were many things to discourage him. He prayed and pleaded before God, begging to be worthy of true devotion, and still he saw no results. He felt as if he was being totally ignored.
וּמֵחֲמַת זֶה נָפַל לִפְעָמִים בְּדַעְתּוֹ וְלֹא הָיָה מְדַבֵּר עוֹד כָּל־כָּךְ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵין קוֹנוֹ אֵיזֶה יָמִים. אַחַר־כָּךְ נִזְכַּר בְּעַצְמוֹ וְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ בְּעַצְמוֹ עַל שֶׁהִרְהֵר אַחַר מִדּוֹתָיו יִתְבָּרַךְ, כִּי בֶּאֱמֶת בְּוַדַּאי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ חַנּוּן וְרַחוּם וְכוּ' וּבְוַדַּאי הוּא רוֹצֶה לְקָרְבוֹ וְכוּ'. There were times when he became discouraged and let his conversations with God lapse for several days. But then he would remind himself that he should be ashamed for criticizing God’s ways. He said to himself, “God is truly merciful and compassionate. He certainly wants to draw me near to Him.”
וְחָזַר וְנִתְחַזֵּק בְּדַעְתּוֹ, וְהִתְחִיל שׁוּב לְהַעְתִּיר וּלְדַבֵּר לִפְנֵי ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ כַּנַּ"ל. וְכֵן הָיָה כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים. Then he was able to strengthen his resolve again. He would begin anew, pleading and speaking before God. This happened many times (see Likutey Moharan II, 48).