The Severity of the Sin of Lashon Hara
The prohibitions to speak lashon hara and rechilut (negative speech and slander) are among the most serious in the Torah. The Rambam (Hilchot Dei’ot 7:1-3) writes:
Even though one is not flogged for this sin (Rechilut), it is nonetheless a terrible sin and causes the deaths of many in Israel…Our sages have taught that there are three cardinal sins for which one both receives punishment in this world and loses his share in the future world: idolatry, adultery and murder. Lashon Hara corresponds to these in severity. Our sages also taught that one who speaks Lashon Hara denies the most important principle of faith (i.e., belief in Hashem)…Our sages also said that Lashon Hara kills three: the one who speaks it, the one who accepts it and the one about whom it is spoken; it damages the one who accepts it more than the one who spoke it.
Moreover, the celebrated work of Mussar (ethical literature) Orchot Tzadikim writes (section twenty five):
Scrupulously avoid speaking Lashon Hara, for one who speaks Lashon Hara degrades himself, as one who denigrates others is himself denigrated. His manner is to criticize others with his own flaws because this is what constantly lurks in his heart.…One who speaks Lashon Hara searches for people’s flaws and is compared to a fly who will always land in the dirtiest of places. If there are boils on a part of a body, a fly will disregard the healthy portions of skin and will rest on the boils. So too regarding one who speaks Lashon Hara – he disregards the good in people and instead focuses on the bad.
In regard to certain sins, repentance, for the most part, involves behavior modification. For example, if one has become lax in observance of Shabbat or Kashrut, he, for the most part, needs to focus on changing his behaviors, especially when challenging situations arise. However, a habitual violator of Lashon Hara must engage in deep introspection in order to cure himself of this sick activity. He must seriously contemplate his character flaws and poor attitude that lead him to speak Lashon Hara. Once one resolves to have a more positive attitude toward Hashem’s creatures and world, he finds it far easier to refrain from Lashon Hara than does one who merely tries to train himself to restrain himself when he is tempted to speak Lashon Hara. Moreover, the habitual Lashon Hara speaker needs to make peace with his own flaws and be content with his station in life.
Lashon Hara between Close Friends and Spouses
A persistent, albeit inaccurate, assumption is that one is permitted to choose one “designated friend” to whom one speaks lashon hara. The Chafetz Chaim (Sefer Chafetz Chaim Hilchot Issurei Lashon Hara 8:10) dispels this notion:
There is no distinction regarding the prohibition to speak Lashon Hara between those he is not particularly close with and between close relatives, close friends or his spouse….Many make the mistake of speaking Lashon Hara to their wives about what occurred to them in the synagogue or the marketplace. In addition to violating Lashon Hara, he increases conflict between individuals because she will harbor the anger and will enter the conflict with her husband’s adversary or his family. She also might persuade him to continue to the fight [whereas otherwise he might have not done so]. In the end, she will lose respect for him [her husband] due to all the conflict.
Da’agah B’lev Ish Yashchenah
Nonetheless, there might be situations in which one may engage in healthy discussions about certain issues without violating the prohibition of lashon hara. Sefer Mishlei (12:25) states, “da’agah b’lev ish yashchenah.” The Gemara (Yoma 75a) offers two interpretations of this verse. One opinion translates it, “One who has anxiety in his heart should strive to eliminate the matter from his mind.” The second opinion explains it as follows: “One who has anxiety in his heart should talk about it to others.” The Chafetz Chaim (ad. loc. 10:14), based on the second opinion, considers the permissibility of speaking evil of others in the limited situation of seeking relief from anxiety.
Indeed, Rav Hershel Schachter, on this basis, permits one who is suffering from psychological anguish to speak freely to a therapist in order to bring peace to his soul. However, Rav Schachter cautions that the Chafetz Chaim harmonizes the two opinions in the Gemara. The opinion that recommends disregarding the anxiety refers to minor annoyances that it is best for one simply to ignore (e.g., one is bothered that a particular individual did not extend a greeting on Shabbat or another occasion). The opinion that permits lashon hara to eliminate anxiety applies only to discussions of major concerns (e.g. a persistent problem with a parent, teacher, coworker or supervisor who routinely treats one poorly – in such a case, the victim may seek advice as to how to effectively manage and cope with the situation). Rashi (Bava Batra 15b s.v. Minhag Haolam) teaches that we should develop a healthy attitude and raise our tolerance level regarding minor matters. One who is not bothered by minor annoyances lives a far happier life than one who harbors grievances over relatively minor matters.
Da’agah B’lev Ish Yashchenah – Close Friends
An example of a therapeutic conversation between close friends (in this case, two female friends) is described in a question posed to a Rav (Techumin 27:177):
Occasionally I meet with a friend ‘over a cup of coffee,’ and we analyze various interpersonal issues that arise with our respective family members. Solutions emerge from our conversations, and occasionally the conversation itself reduces that which seemed terrible to its appropriate proportions. At the end of the conversation, she always thanks me for assisting her very much by helping to her see matters differently and to let off steam.…I am happy to feel that I have helped, but always, in the back of my mind, there are question marks regarding the laws of Lashon Hara, especially since I know the people involved. What are the appropriate boundaries in such a situation?
The Rav responded that it is a great mitzvah to provide an open ear to someone in need, but the following four points need to be observed. The intention must be for the mitzvah and not for gossip. The conversation should not deviate into areas which are not necessary and relevant to the issues at hand. Discretion must be paramount, as one cannot tell others that which was told to him. Finally, one should recall that both Halachah and experience teach there are always two sides to a story, so there are other perspectives to the situations described.
A fifth condition should be added: that one limit the discussion to one close friend whom one can confidently expect to respond satisfactorily and not to unnecessarily repeat the conversations to others. Frank conversations with a trusted and wise confidante are particularly important for those who are dating. In the process of selecting a spouse, undoubtedly the most important decision of one’s life, one often must make challenging choices. One must strike a delicate balance between, on one hand, not being overly selective and, one the other hand, not being sufficiently selective. Such conversations can rescue relationships that should work and also spare individuals from unhealthy situations.
Conversations between Spouses
Rav Schachter specifically mentions a spouse as a primary example of da’agah b’lev ish yashchenah. Does a spousal relationship enjoy any unique exemptions from the laws of lashon hara? A responsum from Rav Eliezer Waldenberg (Teshuvot Tzitz Eliezer 20:52) might shed light on this important question (Techumin 27:178). Rav Waldenberg was asked if a doctor violates the prohibitions of lashon hara and rechilut by giving information regarding his patient to his secretary to archive. He justifies this practice, and among his other considerations is the following:
Since the doctor cannot otherwise properly execute his duties and must employ a secretary in order to archive the results, and this is planned in advance, they (the doctor and secretary) are considered as one continuous organic unit to investigate and develop action plans as is required. It is viewed as if the doctor shares the information with himself.
One might argue that the same applies to a marriage, since (ibid.):
Husband and wife constitute an ‘organic unit’ in the deepest sense of the phrase. However, this principle applies exclusively to a husband and wife and cannot be expanded to the connection between parents and children.
This assertion does not necessarily contradict the Chafetz Chaim’s assertion that there is no special spousal exemption from lashon hara. A spouse does not need to relate to his/her partner every perceived slight to his/her honor that occurred throughout the day. One should discipline oneself to ignore such minor incidents. The proposed extension of Rav Waldenberg’s ruling may be followed only in regard to conversations that are truly necessary for a couple to function as “an organic unit,” such as deciding to which schools to send their children or strategizing as to how to best meet the various challenges faced by their family.
Conclusion
Those who observe the Halachot of lashon hara live far happier lives. Indeed, we recite as part of the special Shabbat liturgy, “Who is the one who wants life, who loves days to see good? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from uttering deceit” (Tehillim 34:13-14). There are specific situations in which it is permitted and is necessary for healthy living to articulate negative perceptions of others. However, these exceptions should not be abused and should not detract from our striving to create a holy and happy life, in which we think and speak positively of others whenever possible155Alan (Avi) Blumenfeld esq. adds that the Gemara’s statement (Chagigah 5b) that Hashem holds us accountable even for casual conversation between husband and wife should caution us from extending the exceptions beyond their necessary limits. .