Introduction Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar was a student of Rabbi Meir and a colleague of Rabbi Judah Hanasi.
Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar said: Do not try to appease your friend during his hour of anger; Nor comfort him at the hour while his dead still lies before him; Nor question him at the hour of his vow; Nor strive to see him in the hour of his disgrace. The first two statements in this mishnah are statements of sound psychological advice. Appeasing a friend while he is still angry is not going to be effective, nor will trying to offer comfort to a mourner before he has buried his dead. Nor question him at the time of his vow: this refers to something called “the undoing of vows” (we will learn this subject in greater detail when we learn tractate Nedarim (vows). If a person takes a vow not to do something, for instance see his father, but then wants to do that which he vowed not to do, he may ask a sage to “undo his vow”. The way that a sage does this is by asking him questions to see if he may have vowed not fully understanding the consequences. For instance the sage might ask him, “when you vowed not to see your father did you know that it would cause your parents such emotional pain?” Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar teaches that one should not ask these questions right at the time of his vow, for not enough time has passed for him to regret taking the vow. At this time he is still angry and he will not want to get out of his vow. Nor strive to see him in the hour of his disgrace: when a person has just done something disgraceful, he doesn’t want anyone to see him. Therefore you should avoid him during this time, for it will be embarrassing to him to be seen and may cause him to take his anger out at you.
Questions for Further Thought:
• What do these four sayings have in common?